It was miserable.

I was crying, and blabbering my feelings, but no coherent words came out because they were mangled with my tears and mucus.

But it was just a dream. Why does it feels so real? Dreams are safe haven in which we retreat at night, away from the harsh reality and into another world. No judgement, no one to hurt you, for once, you are safe. Or so, I thought.

After last night, I fear sleeping and being lure into the false sense of security, because no place is safe anymore. Even though I'm mentally exhausted, I rather continue staring at my notes.

Supposed to be studying, but am taking a short short break.

This is getting depressing, so I stopped doing those MCQs. I don't want my confidence level to keep falling, so I turned back to trusty notes and buried myself in them. Throughout this whole recess week, I only had a day off and a night out. Day off was to go and get stuff with my sister before she flies off to London. 2 weeks! D: Sad not to have her around. Night out with the econs people, fun and enjoyable night, a well-deserved break for me from those studying of he209. Somehow, I still feel ill-prep. And my stupid nose is getting all "emotional" because of the haze. I can't breathe properly, and the air is really much worst on this side of the island. Almost got a panic attack when I can't find my nasal spray, because I could not breathe properly with all the sneezing and mucus. Thank goodness managed to locate it. Just a little relief, but am still breathing in a choke nose. My air passage is blocked.

My mood is simply going down-hill, alternating between sadness and frustration. This is getting from bad to worse to worst, it kinds of frighten me. I'm behaving like an angsty teenager, with random mood swings. I find my own laughter hollow, like I'm laughing for the sake of laughing. Its no longer from the heart, like my heart died from the many blows it suffered. Desensitized to prevent itself from more emotional trauma.

Okk, enough of a break, back to he209. God bless I do well for this quiz. Please...

Comforting enough

Every night, whenever I get scared of what's going to happen tomorrow, I will take out my phone and scroll to my favourite message of the day. Somehow, the message will make my troubles evaporate at that moment and I will fall asleep smiling.

For 2 nights, it had been yours. God has been kind to send someone like you to stay by my side.

Its a good start definitely.

So my words are true, when you are so low, you know that no matter what, it can only get better. Starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. Though it meant reopening some wounds and exposing them to more attacks. It also meant more understanding and possibly a closure to this whole wild goose chase episode. Some lies may be outrageous but sometimes, its the truth that is stunning. I shall wait for all parties to tell me the truth before I pass any judgement. As said "all men are innocent until proven guilty". Disappointment awaits me, but at least its better than those days of anguish and confusion due to lack of communication and influx of malice rumours and scandals.

Truth prevails, as the wise man will say "every lie needs 10 more to cover". There is no way one can keep the lying game carry on forever. The wisest thing to do is to face the music. Let this be a lesson learnt.

After all this mess, I don't know will my heart ever believe another. But at least, his sms still brought a smile to my face. Silly boy. :D

That was the sweetest thing one can ever say.

And you wrote it down on a paper, just like a promise.

(: Thanks for making me feel like I'm living in a fairytale.

I smiled

It came from within, and it felt great. Thank you. :D

I had never been so careless in my work. Never been so absent-minded.

I'm not good in anything, and the only thing I pride myself with is perhaps my careful and detailed note-taking.

But now, even this. Focus focus, you can make small blunder, but please stop embarrassing yourself and others.

Starting to hate myself more and more.

People told me to stop blaming everything to myself, but can I not? ):

I hate you, and I hate myself even more. For once, I really want to hurl vulgarities.

The one baby that matters the most to me.

I almost lost him. The call that came. I broke down after. All this mounting stress from the past weeks, and now even my pillar of strength, the one whom I can always count on for comfort, companion...

No, this can't be happening... Misfortune, one after another. Just how much can I take?

Please don't take him away from me yet God, I still need him. He is very much family. I just can't bear the thought of losing him...

I feed him his breakfast today, if I didn't have the chance to say good bye to him, I will hate myself forever.

The sweetest words came out when I needed someone there for me.

This week had been a roller-coaster ride for me. A good thing that came out of it all, we settled on our choices for FOC main committee, after an agonizing four-day event. Happy and satisfied with our choices. It was a good thing I had this event to keep my mind off things.

Mood has been on a mudslide since Sunday. Roomie drew a picture of Jack to cheer me up, as I complained to her that I missed having him by my side during this period. Now, I have Jack by my side, sleeping soundly as I typed away.

Friends around me have been having a bad week too. Always the listener, I find it hard to tell them my situation and even harder to relate now, since they have their own problem. Yes, I know friends will catch me if I fall. The concern I had received thus far really help me tide through this week.

I feared the ring of my phone, yet I know I have to face the truth, the person on the other end of the line must have been desperate enough to call me.

Save me before I get suck into this black hole.

When the truth is out...

I just can't see the rationale behind not going for a confrontation, seriously. How long more can we act like none of those things haven't happened? How long more can we take all those lies and cover ups? How long more can I be around that person without lifting my hands off to give a good slap right across the smug face?

Why must we take such a meek stand? Can't we stand up against him? Its like a silent battle within, hurting emotionally... If things don't get cleared up, the prick in the heart will never be removed. A single small action can cause a new wave of pain coursing through the body every time we revisit the issue, with unanswered questions.

During a crisis, its said that a mother's hug to a child is liken to a sponge absorbing water. The mother's hug took away the fear the child had, as he feels safe and secure within the comfort warmth of the person he trusts most.

 It is at times like this, that I need my sponge.
new past