Monday, January 31, 2011, ϟ
Jack gave me a HUGE scare.
Decided to not go for today's session of HE205 even though I'm registered for today. Hoping to get tomorrow's slot. Thank God I stayed home.
Was camping for STARS today at home, doing random blog shop hopping. Went to my parent's room to get something. Jack followed me. Then he had another fainting attack. I was alone at home. Was freaking scared, but I managed to grab hold of him before he fell. He was wheezing and I stroked him to give him warm and kept repeating: "Stay calm Jack. Relax. Breathe properly. Don't worry, I'm here, don't worry." He went unconscious and peed uncontrollably, but I dare not stop stroking him nor talk to him. Then he woke up, was still stroking him, trying to give him warm and comfort at the same time. He was so weak, and he looked so guilty for peeing. Had to reassure him its fine.
When I got up to make my way to the phone (should have my hp with me 24/7) he got up and want to follow me. For fear for 2nd attack, I told him to walk slowly and I took those slow strides to the phone. He still appeared weak. As I made those 3 phone calls, he stayed by my side, lying on the floor. I gotten everyone home. I was freaking scared, but I had to be strong for Jack.
Gave him more blanket now, and he is resting. That poor baby. God, please hear my prayers. Don't take him away from us. Please. We all need him. And don't sneak attack anymore.
Friday, January 28, 2011, ϟ
If I had a time turner...
I wished time could reverse, and I'm back to those days where I can still see you, hear you and talk to you.
Last night, before I went to bed. I thought I heard you, your voice, and just then, memories like a floodgate came rushing into my mind. I saw you, saw your smile, heard your laughter... If I could see them all again. To tell you those things which are too late to say now.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011, ϟ
Created a tumblr at last.
mywhimsicalland.tumblr.com
Thursday, January 20, 2011, ϟ
For the subjects I studied the most, I got the cui-est result.
For the subject I studied the least, I got the best result.
For the subjects that I studies neither the most nor least, I got average result.
Is this a sign that too much studying makes you kuku and thus screwing up those papers?
I need guidance, I need a breakthrough, and not disappointment every time I see my results because the time used to study the subject and effort is not directly proportional.
From the above, its looks indirectly proportional.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011, ϟ
I want to
SCOLD YOU
KICK YOU
CURSE YOU
STAB YOU
Thats what I want to do. You idiot. Bringing me misery every time, twice a year.
Saturday, January 15, 2011, ϟ
I don't know what to do anymore.
How do you deal with grief?
Some people choose to voice it out loud, complaining and pushing the blame to everyone. In hope that the grief could be transferred to someone else, and at the same time, people will start to sympathize with you. But this is not me. I don't need people to know, I don't need consolation.
What I need is someone to slap me in the face, asking me to face the truth, rather than molly coddling me and telling me everything is fine when it obviously isn't.
Some people choose to avoid the situation. Simply running away and performing disappearing act. Becoming all tight lipped and agitated when people asked about the situation. But this is not me. I do not run away from the situation, because avoiding the problem temporary will only cause more pain later.
Just like a sprained ankle. It will hurt when you injure. But you choose to ignore the pain and hope it heal by itself. When the time period is dragged too long, when you seek treatment afterwards, the road to recovery will be a longer and more painful process. No, I don't want that.
Some people choose to be in self-denial. If you think positively and believe everything is fine, then everything is truly fine right? But when truth reared its ugly head towards you, can you still say and believe what you are telling yourself? You can lie to the whole world, but you can never lie to yourself.
Some people choose to pack away the stuff that relate to the situation. The symbolic way of packing away, throwing away the unwanted stuff, and keeping only a few things for remembrance. This means acceptance, and thus moving on.
This hurts more, as every item is linked to a memory, a precious memory that was once shared between us. At times, I still believe that I will still be able to see you in your room. You calling me to help you get food for you. You asking me to open the gate for you because your arms are full. You having a talk with me about my future. You being there to rescue me when I get into trouble.
I don't say them out, but the truth is, I miss you so much...
Monday, January 10, 2011, ϟ
Braved the rain to get hot food home for mummy for dinner. Went to 511 market to get Mee kuah, the hot spicy mutton noodle soup. Funny thing was, the shopkeeper remembered me from our past encounters. He asked me with a mock reprimanding voice asking why I hadn't been buying from him for quite a while now. I was a bit surprised that he actually remembered me. Imagine each day, how many customers does he have to serve? So we had a friendly conversation.
Storekeeper: "Still schooling?"
Me: "Yup"
Storekeeper: "Where?"
Me: "NTU"
Storekeeper: "Ohhh. I was from Singapore poly"
And the conversation went on, from my major to hall. He looked mildly interested in whatever I had to say, but at the same time, eager for the conversation to carry on and not died down. His partner was busying cooking my food and him entertaining me. Deep down, I was wondering was he trying to distract me, because my food seems to take a much longer time to cook today. His partner spoke to him in a language I know not of, sounded like Malay- Indian mix and they both smiled in my direction. Somehow the smile looked like a snigger and made me want to leave as soon as possible.
When I was walking home, I realized that most shopkeepers like to have a friendly conversation with me. Like the Ramly Burger man who though I was 15 to the Uncle at the aquarium shop who asked if I'm going Pasir Ris for BBQ advising me to look out for parang-welding teens...
I wondered... When I reached home and emptied my bag of soup noodle, I realized I was given a bigger portion.! Looks like having a friendly conversation does has its benefits!
Friday, January 07, 2011, ϟ
Don't lie, steal, cheat or drink.
But if you must, then,
Lie into the arms of the one you love.
Steal the heart of the one you love the most.
Cheat death, so you will not hurt the ones who love you.
Drink in those magical moments you spent with the one.
6 months.
Thursday, January 06, 2011, ϟ
Some friends, once lost, will never return...
I didn't know that the 2 of us will come to this end. I knew that our bridge of communication was breaking and that the 1st sign of how much we were drifting came during my 20th birthday. It was the 1st time your didn't send a parcel or a card to me. All I gotten was a short sms from you towards the end of the day. You said you didn't forget, and I chose to believe you. After that short conversation, our line of communication broke again. I can't help but remember how our Smses conversation used to last for days, never ending. How I stood through your 1st and 2nd break-up, answering your calls and consoling you into the wee hours of the night.
The 2nd obvious sign came during your birthday. I sent you an sms early in the morning, and through the whole day, I got no reply back. It can only mean a few things, either you didn't see my msg and thus didn't reply, you didn't want to reply, or you changed your number. I told myself to give you the benefit of doubt. Surely our friendship which blossomed when I was 14 and you 15, which stood by the test of time despite us going different JC and your stint in NS, isn't going to go away just because of a silly SMS.
But then time tells everything. And I can no longer delude myself that our friendship has "sunk". Friends warned me that a guy can't be your best friend forever. They told me that during our friendship period, he actually hoped for something more, something I failed to notice because to me, he had been just a brother, my buddy, nothing more, nothing less. So did our friendship just failed because he chose to forsake me so he can go find another girl (which he did, happily attached now. Congrats) or simply because we drifted apart because distance and time pulled us apart?
I'm really sadden by this, because I hold every friendship very closely to my heart.
Is it going to be like this? When my guy friends found a partner, they are just going to dump all their female friends? Can their female counterparts be gracious enough to accept us too, as we are his friends, the ones who stood by him during his worst and best time, when she wasn't around yet?
Its like the female friends are tissue papers. Once the guy found his handkerchief, he is going to dump all those tissue papers who stood by him as they are disposable and temporary. Only when he lost the handkerchief, will he start looking for those tissue papers again...?
I was just a tissue paper you used when you needed someone. Now that you have found your handkerchief, I had finished serving my purpose...
Saturday, January 01, 2011, ϟ
Life has its ways of determining a course for you to take.
A leaf could yellow and fall off a tree or it could be plucked off forcefully, ending its premature life.
2010, I ended with a heavy heart. And I start 2011 with the same heavy heart. A lost that can't be returned can only live forevermore in the heart. The weight of this realization makes the heart aches.
Do you believe there can be a grief whereby the heart can no longer feel pain? Shock, grief, denial, acceptance and moving on, the 5 different stages of coping with a loss. I don't where I'm now, like a floater without an anchor.
I wished Life could give me a warning before delivering news to me...
new past